 |
||
Waves of DespairAuthor: Sally Higgins on www.bornwoman.com I am truly blessed to have Helena as a friend, and I am honored that she has permitted me to tell her story. A story which rattles around her head, and punches at her heart, every hour of every day. We know the story well now; a beautiful beach, a glorious sunny day. An earthquake. A wave traveling at a vast speed. Another wave. Another. Another. Another. First silence. Then chaos. Rubble, screaming, debris, devastation, destruction. People injured, missing, displaced, deceased. Boxing Day 2004. 300,000 directly affected. 1.5 million or more impacted. A story which Helena explains affects every decision that she now makes. Because on that fateful day, Helena’s family was changed forever. Her daughter, Vivian, aged 3, did not survive the Tsunami. Things are no longer the same for Helena’s family. Everyday acts, such as looking for a house, finding work, making ends meet, etc, all that pales into insignificance now. As Helena explains, “Everything becomes less important, nothing seems to matter as much”. Helena changed as a person overnight. She felt like she became a wise old woman in the space of a day, because of the enormity of what she experienced. A psychiatrist once explained to her, that her family was suffering the same trauma as a soldier returning from active duty. Her family had effectively experienced war; they had seen devastation first hand, heard the screams, witnessed the bodies and horrific injuries, and they had been made to fight for their lives. Yet their war lasted a mere twenty minutes and they never had a hope of winning it. Twenty minutes; that’s how precious our lives and our relationships are. Twenty minutes can change them forever. One minute Helena is drifting peacefully in a boat, with Vivian on her lap watching the fish in the sea, the next minute she is looking into the scared eyes of her two young boys, who had just lived several life-times worth of intense emotional and physical pain in a matter of minutes. Her husband Steven acted very efficiently. His family was in shattered pieces all around him and he fought to keep the tiny shards of what used to be their happy life, contained. From the very beginning he ensured that Vivian was always referred to in the present tense and always in their thoughts and conversations. Today, the family signs their cards, ‘love from the family and angel Vivian’. And ‘Goodnight Vivian’ they say before turning in for bed. How does Helena continue? How can someone, so broken, so emotionally torn, piece themselves back together again? How does she ease the pain? “You can never ease the pain”, she explains, “The pain is always there. It is a physical pain which hurts so bad that oftentimes I’ve thought that it might actually kill me”. Helena knows that she can never feel the way she used to feel. She will never again have that carefree approach to life. She concedes that 100% happiness will never be possible now, so instead of pursuing something she cannot achieve, she strives to fill her life with 60% happiness, and she achieves this by bringing small amounts of joy to her life in anyway that she can. “The pain will never leave me, but I can still experience joy”. Initially Helena threw herself into her gardening in order to experience joy. More recently she experiences joy by spending time and having cuddles with her gorgeous new baby girl, Isabella (13 months). I wonder if Isabella knows how important her smiles, her steps and the milestones she passes, are to her family? I wonder if Isabella understands her mother’s frequent need to sit and rock with her in her arms? The boys are older now and fast striving for their independence. Helena and her husband Steven still arrange family-time events. And like all teenagers, the boys protest and ask ‘but why do we have to come?”. And the response is very clear, it is the Mum and Dad in this family that need that time together as a family. In spite of this tragedy, or perhaps because of it, Helena is without doubt the kindest, most considerate and compassionate person I know. When our small group of friends tries to arrange time to get together, it is always Helena who sacrifices something that she has already booked to ensure that we can all meet up. When one mutual friend had a birthday, Helena hosted the surprise party in her home. When we meet in the park she brings chocolate. It is almost as though she is driven by making others happy. She is the chicken soup to our souls. She says that her life’s purpose is to show compassion to the world. She and Steven instill this in the boys. “What is life without compassion?” And who better to teach the kids compassion than Helena and Steven? I found the following definitions of compassion online: -a deep awareness of and sympathy for another They lost their little girl while they were bobbing around the ocean in a small boat. Yet one of the last things they did before they left Thailand was help the owner of that boat to buy a new boat -because without a boat, he had no means of making an income. This blows me away. As a self-confessed self-help junkie, I have read many books and attended many seminars to get inspiration. Yet this is the most inspiring message about compassion I have ever received. It could almost be the definition of compassion. They lost their daughter on a boat trip and then they helped the boat owner to replace the boat. And yet this act, as magnificent, as impressive, as incredible as it was, is just the tip of the iceberg. Helena, like many thousands of others who survived the Tsunami, suffered terrible injuries. She was critically ill and her lungs were collapsing. Except no one could communicate this to her. The hospital was primitive, it was dealing with a major catastrophe for which it didn’t have the resources and the capacity to cope, and the staff didn’t speak English. Helena was physically held down whilst a doctor drained her lungs. Without full anesthetic and with minimal pain relief. Rather than focus on the pain and suffering of her injuries and the medical procedure, Steven and Helena established a foundation, The Vivian Scholarship Fund, which provides funding for Thai students to live and study overseas. They focus on helping non-English speaking students get access to other languages and cultures. But how do they do this? How do they see so clearly what others around them are in need of, when they can barely see what they need for themselves? How do they put others first and give so much of themselves so selflessly? It is simple. The one thing that drives Helena is the knowledge that in her time of need, the people who helped her and her family were also the people who had nothing. The Thai locals who lost everything, everything that they had, rallied and helped her family in every way that they could. They say that friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don’t know how long Helena will be in my life, but I am a richer person for having known her. She has touched my life in so many ways. She teaches me compassion and consideration. She compels me to live my life in the moment. I’m so sad that she lost Vivian. It makes me cry often. Why? What if? How come? “You can never answer the questions, there is no one to blame, and nothing will change what happened”, she says sadly, “I just keep in mind that I have a privileged life. I don’t have to work. I have time to spend with my children, and time to be with my sorrow”. Sometimes Helena will muddle up the girls and call Isabella ‘Vivian’ by mistake. She likes it when that happens. Because it means that Vivian is still part of every day life. “I often confuse my boys’ names, why shouldn’t I confuse my girls’?” The future is clear for her. It’s about being strong, about providing structure for her boys and knowing that happiness has to come from her in order for her to experience it. “Whilst no one can solve the problem, I can show the boys that I am a Mum in charge of my life. I constantly challenge myself, find new ways, new things, things which will continue to keep me busy two years from now”. Vivian is very much part of the picture today. A few of her toys are scattered around the house. Pictures she drew hang on the walls. Her things are all around. The family mentions her frequently. Because although she is not here physically, she will always be a part of the family, always be mentioned in the present tense and will always touch the lives of anyone who comes into contact with this strong and awesome family. And, Helena will always be a mother of four. This story has been told with the absolute adoration of my friend Helena, who makes me hold myself to a higher standard and is the reason that I give my darling baby girl and my gorgeous man an extra kiss goodnight each night. Thank you Helena, you bless the lives of so many people around you. Author: Sally Higgins ---------------------------------------------------
Dear reader, If the above article struck a chord for you, here are some easy things that you can do to achieve better results in YOUR life As Helena said, happiness has to come from her in order for her to experience it. Happiness will not happen upon you. This exercise is all about counting your blessings and about being happy, regardless, in spite of, despite, irrespective of…etc.
We’ll give you permission to maintain your sorrow, if you feel that you need to. So long as you don’t allow your sorrow to prevent you from experiencing joy. 1. What are all of the things you have in your life that you can be truly grateful for? |
||
 |
||